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Helping your child through puberty

What emotional changes should I expect during my child’s teenage years?

Supporting your child through their teenage years can be both difficult and rewarding. Both males and females experience changes during this time that are:

physical
hormonal
emotional

These changes are a normal part of the process known as puberty.

Typically, girls begin puberty at around 8 years of age, while boys often begin puberty at around 9 years. However, everyone is different. Your child will grow and develop at their own pace.

Changes that occur during puberty may also trigger changes in your child’s behaviour. During puberty, your teen may interact with family and friends differently.

Emotional changes during the teen years vary widely from person to person and over time. Your teen may:

develop a greater sense of self and identity
develop a stronger need for social connections outside your family
begin to take more sexual interest in other people
feel more self-conscious about the way they look
feel more empowered to take on new responsibilities and make their own decisions
seek independence in some aspects of their lives

Other teens may feel confused and frustrated when they are unable to reach their goals, and may consequently experience negative emotions.

During puberty, your teenager will likely have changes to their:

moods
energy levels
sleep patterns

This may create difficulties for your relationship with them. These emotional changes are an important, normal part of your teenager’s growth. You, and other adults in your teen’s life, can help them navigate puberty by showing:

patience
curiosity
support
understanding

What causes my teen’s mood to change?

Around 90% of your child’s brain will develop by the time they are 5 years old.

As they grow up, the number of connections in their brain are ‘pruned’. Some neural connections will become stronger, while others will weaken. Those that are strengthened are the ones that your child uses most often.

This ‘pruning’ changes the amount of grey matter in your child’s brain. This part of the brain is involved in processing. Pruning helps your child’s thought processes to become more efficient.

The times that the different parts of the brain mature depend on the things they control. Your brain will usually mature in the following order:

motion control, mobility and senses
language and orientation
complex thinking and self-control
planning and decision making

Planning and decision making is controlled by the prefrontal cortex. As this part of the brain is the last to change, teen behaviour may come across as:

impulsive
uncontrolled
aggressive

How can I support my teen during puberty?

The emotional demands that occur during the teenage years may be stressful for your child. They can include:

peer pressure
academic demands
comparison — perceived differences between them and the people they know

The physical changes they undergo during puberty can also be overwhelming or scary. Stress can significantly impact how their brain develops. It’s important to support your teen during this time, by:

helping them to understand the effects of puberty on their bodies and emotions
communicating with them openly, and with curiosity
encouraging positive behaviour

Your teen’s environment will influence how they:

think
feel
act

Introduce and encourage your child to take part in a range of activities and positive experiences — both inside and outside of school. This helps to support their development.

Sleep

Your child will need more sleep during their teenage years as they grow.

However, their sleep patterns may also change. This is because their body begins making the sleep hormone, melatonin, later in the day. Your teen may:

not feel tired until later in the evening
find waking up early more difficult than before

You can help your teenager get enough sleep by encouraging them to develop a regular sleep schedule.

Eating well

As your teen grows during puberty, they may feel hungry more often. The emotional changes that come with puberty and your child’s body image can also impact their eating habits. Nourishment and healthy eating are important for their brain development.

Your teen may become independent and want to make their own food choices. It’s important for you to:

help them adopt healthy habits
be a good role model for healthy eating and lifestyle

Are my teen’s mood swings normal?

Mood swings are a normal part of the teenage years and puberty. To support your teen through mood swings, try to:

keep calm and let them know you want to understand their feelings
give them space to process their feelings
help your child problem solve, but don’t try to fix their problems for them

It’s also important to keep track of your child’s emotions. This is because long periods of mood changes may be a sign of something more serious, such as a mental health issue.

There are 3 key factors to watch for when keeping track of your child’s mood swings:

Duration — check if your child’s negative mood lasts longer than 2 weeks.
Severity — look for significant changes in your child’s thoughts, feelings or general behaviour.
Impact — note if your teen’s mood disrupts their home, school or social life or is causing them distress.

If you are concerned that your child is experiencing something more than just a teenage mood swing, seek support from your doctor or the resources below.

How can I deal with heated arguments?

You may find that during their teenage years, you and your child argue more. This is normal.

Mood swings can cause arguments, as can any of your well-intended efforts to help them make decisions. During puberty, your teen will:

want to become more independent
develop their identity
question different points of view

So, your input may not be what they want to hear.

Try to remember that:

your child does not mean to upset you
they might not realise how their words affect you
conflict is usually at its worst during teenage years and is a sign your child is maturing

It’s important that you act as a positive role model for your child. One way is to demonstrate positive ways of dealing with difficult emotions and constructive ways of resolving conflicts. You can:

Keep calm even when you are angry.
Listen to your child — make eye contact and avoid interrupting them.
Try to understand their perspective, even if you have a different opinion.
Be open with your own feelings and explain how their behaviour affects you.
Admit when you are wrong, without making excuses and apologise.
Maintain your boundaries and expectations while giving your teen opportunities to express their independence in a safe and healthy way.

This will help teach your child good, constructive communication. It will also help them learn to read and respond to emotions.

How can I manage violent behaviour?

Sometimes teenagers respond violently or aggressively because they struggle to manage their own emotions.

If your child is showing aggressive behaviour:

Ensure that you and those around you are safe.
Give your child space to calm down and remove anyone who is aggravating the situation.
Make it clear that violence and aggression towards anyone is unacceptable.

Always respond to any kind of aggression respectfully and calmly. This will help them learn to communicate in non-violent ways.

Set non-violent and appropriate consequences, and follow through to teach your child that violence is unacceptable.

If your child doesn’t respond to any of these strategies, it may indicate that there is a deeper problem. Check in with your child’s school — there may be issues with your child’s friends or teachers.

Consider professional support, such as from: